


Learning How to Breathe

by artificialghoul



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A bunch of headcanons for what happened to Hide, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Investigator!Hide, Washuu!Hide, that somehow turned into a fic about Hide learning how to be okay again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4570482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialghoul/pseuds/artificialghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the infamous coffee shop raid in the 20th Ward, Hide's father sends him somewhere he can learn more about the CCG and hone his skills as an investigator without too many questions, or too many unpleasant reminders. And maybe his father is also hoping that a change of scenery will help Hide move on.</p><p>But moving on isn't that simple, not when Hide made a promise to never leave his friend alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning How to Breathe

The first time Hide saw Kaneki cry, they were ten years old.

They sat together in Kaneki's empty home for the last time. His mother's funeral had been that day. His aunt had already cleaned out the apartment. All traces that his mother had been here, had once breathed here, had ever been here at all, were gone.

It was then that Kaneki's loss finally seemed to sink in.

Hide remembered the way he'd fallen to his knees, had begged his mother not to leave him, had cried out that he didn't want to be alone.

He sat, helpless, arms wrapped around Kaneki, feeling his best friend's body shake with sobs, and swore a promise to himself. That he'd be there for Kaneki, always, no matter what he needed. That he'd never let his friend be alone.

The last time he saw Kaneki cry, they were crouched in the sewers together, and Kaneki was bleeding to death, fighting to keep a hold of himself, and still convinced he was alone.

Hide would never forget the look in his best friend's eyes, the shock, the  _relief_ , when Kaneki had realized that Hide was there, that he was real, that he accepted him and wasn't going to leave him alone. 

He remembered the way Kaneki's hand shook as he reached out for Hide, still afraid he was a hallucination, still afraid he'd disappear. He remembered the way his heart clenched and tears dripped from his own eyes as he pulled Kaneki close to him, wrapped his arms around his friend, and felt him shake with sobs again.

And then Hide had left him. He'd left his best friend in that sewer, knowing what was waiting. He'd left Kaneki to face his death -- bleeding, vulnerable, and  _alone._  


* * *

 

Hide was almost grateful that his father sent him to Germany after that. There was a pretense, an excuse, at least. He needed training, needed experience as an investigator, and working in Tokyo would cause too many questions after Hide's disappearance in the 20th Ward raid.

Everywhere he turned in Tokyo he found another moment with Kaneki, another memory, another reminder of the way he'd betrayed his promise and his best friend.

Leaving was almost a blessing.

But not when he was leaving Kaneki  _again._  Not when Kaneki was laying broken in a hospital bed -- and not when Hide was the reason for that.

But his father had been firm. He had high hopes for Hide, and Hide didn't have it in him to argue when he was shipped off to work in the German branch.

He did, however, have it in him to make every conversation with his father about Kaneki. Until his father stopped calling every day, stopped checking up on him, only called for Hide's weekly report instead of trying to converse with his youngest son.

Hide only felt a slight pang of guilt when his father began prefacing each weekly phone call with an update -- or lack thereof.

As the months slipped by, Hide almost came to rely on the regularity of it all. 

Each week at the same time, his office phone would ring, Hide would answer, and he'd hear, "No change." Only then could Hide nod and focus on whatever briefing his father had for him, or whatever task he needed to focus on in Germany. The predictability was almost comforting.

Until one day, it wasn't. 

"He's awake," the voice on the other line told him in monotone, and Hide couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe, and he couldn't comprehend those words.  _This couldn't be happening_ , he told himself as he struggled to remember how to gasp for air. It had been months -- nearly nine months. Nine months he'd been in Germany. Nine months since he'd abandoned his friend in the sewers of Tokyo. Nine months since the Reaper had stabbed his best friend through the head and left him broken and unconscious but somehow not dead. Nine months of Hide cursing himself while his friend's body clung desperately to life and refused to let go, refused to allow Hide to let go.

But now maybe it had all been worth it, Hide realized as he finally sobbed, inhaled, choked on the air that burned into his lungs. Maybe he had made the right choices after all. Maybe if, after everything, Kaneki was finally awake --

"He has no memory."

Hide heard the words, but struggled to comprehend them. Surely, some amnesia was to be expected after so long in a coma. Surely, he must remember something. Something from before the raid. Something from before the operation. Something from high school. Something from childhood.  _Something. Anything._  


"No. He has no memory of who he is, or what happened to him. We were told, with the damage he sustained to his brain, with the areas affected... He will likely never remember."

Hide felt his heart shatter in his chest, felt the self-loathing returning ten fold as he listened to his father explain distantly that all records of his friend had been erased. That they'd decided to use him anyway, just a little differently from the original plan. But all Hide heard was that he'd killed his best friend. He'd left his best friend alone -- the thing he'd promised to never do -- and now Kaneki was dead and erased and his corpse was being "used" and it was  _Hide's fault --_  


"His name is Sasaki Haise now."

And then Hide felt nothing.

 

* * *

 

Hide came to dread those weekly phone calls. But he couldn't stop himself from answering every week, couldn't stop that sick curiosity that consumed him.

"He lost control," a dry, empty voice told him when Hide picked up the phone that day, and he gritted his teeth and forced himself to keep listening. "He was in the 24th Ward, with Squad Zero. The purpose was to acclimate him to using his kagune in battle. They ran into some trouble, and he pushed himself too far. According to a report from one of the squad members, he no longer knew where he was, or recognized his squad. The report said..."

The voice paused and Hide braced himself for what he knew was coming -- the news that Sasaki had been "put down". That his friend's body had been broken again, and this time left in the sewers to rot -- or be devoured.

"The report said that he began screaming. The other squad members thought it was nonsense. Something about pain, and flowers, and the phrase, 'It's going through my head,' repeated over and over."

Hide felt like he was going to vomit. His stomach coiled and reeled with each word. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want to know, but he couldn't help himself, couldn't stop himself from choking on the question, "And Arima?"

Hide heard a sigh on the other line, and then, "Calmed him down." Hide felt all the air leave his lungs, and grasped the edge of his desk tightly to stop himself from collapsing. "Rank Three Sasaki is currently recovering in the hospital --"

Hide slammed the phone against the receiver, watched it buckle and crack with a sick satisfaction, and then the world around him blurred away.

His knees finally buckled, and he let himself sink to the floor, head in his hands. He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and fought the urge to scream.

 

* * *

 

"You look awful, Nagachika," his partner commented when she entered their office the next morning.

Hide had always appreciated her bluntness. Except now. 

"Not today, Lora," he ordered, then grimaced as he took a sip of his black coffee.

She narrowed her eyes and gave him  _that look_. The one he'd been on the receiving end of far too many times since she'd been assigned as his subordinate six months ago. The one that told him she saw right through him and she was going to let him know it.

"Is this about your friend?" she asked as she crossed the room to drape her jacket across the back of her chair. Hide clenched his jaw. "The one you tried to save?"

"I said,  _not today,_ " Hide repeated, and shot her a glare that he hoped told her just how serious he was.

Lora stiffened beside her desk, and tilted her head back to look down her nose at him. Her eyes raked over him, taking in his haggard appearance, but softened when they reached his face, saw the miserable expression he wore, his messed hair, the dark bags under his eyes.

"This isn't good for you, you know," she told him as she finally turned away to take her seat. She busied herself sorting her paperwork, and Hide silently urged her to stop, stop now before she said something that would tighten the weight on his chest.

She paused, almost as if she could hear the way he was pleading with her in his mind. But then she continued. "You don't deserve this. The way you torture yourself like this, blaming yourself for everything that happens to him. You're not --" she sighed, frustrated, then finally turned to look him in the eye. "I don't know the specifics, but I know you were sent all the way to Germany for a reason. I know you don't talk to him, but you get updates on his life. And I know you're stuck in the past, running over the same scenarios over and over to try to figure out what you could have done differently. And I know you don't deserve what you put yourself through. You deserve some happiness in your life, and this... Holding onto the past this way..."

"I know," Hide gasped, voice barely a whisper. "But I --"  _I can't._  


The words he couldn't bring himself to stay aloud echoed over and over in his mind. He couldn't move on. He couldn't forget. He couldn't leave it alone. Just  _thinking_  about it felt like a betrayal, like he was abandoning his best friend all over again, leaving him alone and bleeding in the sewers to face his death.

His only salvation came with a sharp ringing each week, when Hide could pretend he hadn't broken his promise, and that his most important person was still alive.

 

* * *

 

"He's been paired with Rank One Mado," the voice told him when he picked up the phone today, and Hide actually smiled.

"That's -- that's good," he forced out. "Mado is a brilliant investigator, and a wonderful person. I'm sure -- I'm sure she'll teach him a lot."

The silence on the other end told him that his father was frowning, and was questioning his decision to keep humoring Hide. That he'd hoped that after so long, Hide would move on, and he was starting to wonder if these weekly updates were holding Hide back.

Or maybe that was Hide's own niggling doubt talking.

 

* * *

 

Months later, he emerged from his office to find none of his squad members were at their desks, save Lora.

Hide scowled, already in a poor mood from the news his father had given him that morning -- regarding a sick experiment trying to recreate Kaneki for the CCG's own purposes, and one that put Sasaki in charge of the test subjects, no less -- and strode up to his subordinate.

She glanced up at him, her bored look telling him she was not impressed with his attempt to be intimidating, and passed him a coffee -- black, the way he always took it.

"Where is everyone?" he demanded.

She sighed, and turned back to her paperwork. "They all learned a long time ago to avoid the office when you get your weekly phone call from home. You're always in a terrible mood." She glanced back up at him. "Looks like today was especially bad."

And just like that, Hide's anger dissipated.

He looked down at the coffee in his hand, at his distorted reflection staring back at him. 

The following week, he didn't answer the phone.

 

* * *

It took him hunched over his desk, shaking as he sobbed alone in his office, for Hide to finally realize he couldn't do it anymore.

His father had given him a briefing of the auction operation, and Hide, as much as he hated himself for it, had hung on every word, until suddenly it was too much.

It was too much, and maybe it had been too much for a long time. But this was where he broke. He couldn't handle it anymore. The constant guilt Hide felt for putting Sasaki in his position in the first place, the fear for Sasaki's safety, the rage at how the CCG used him and treated him as disposable, the hope that had blossomed in his heart when his father added that Arima thought Sasaki was beginning to remember -- and that was the final straw.

He couldn't live with a hope like that again. He couldn't do it.

The realization felt something like relief, and something like failure. He'd tried, he'd really tried. But Hide couldn't keep his promise.

 

* * *

 

"Can you... can you do a favor for me?" Hide asked nervously the next time his father called, interrupting him before he could give Hide another update. "Just, one last thing. And then we can... You won't have to keep doing this."

Hide let out a tremulous breath and gripped his clothing to try to steady his shaking hand. Until he heard his father's patient, kind voice, laced with pity, asking him what he needed, and it felt like another blow to his chest.

But Hide took a breath and forced himself to speak. "I left a book in Japan.  _The Hanged Man's MacGuffin._  It's signed. It was a gift for him. Could you... make sure he gets it?"

"Of course, son," came his father's easy reply, and Hide didn't know whether to feel relieved or nauseous.

 

* * *

 

"I hear you've been promoted to Associate Special Class," his father greeted, pride evident in his voice.

Hide smiled, something that had been occurring much more frequently since he'd learned to stop dreading his father's weekly calls. "I'm catching up to Matsuri," he joked. "I hear he's due for a promotion too after the success of his auction operation."

His father hummed in agreement. "That's actually part of why I'm calling."

"What, to remind me that my brother's still got me outranked?" Hide snorted.

"How would you like to see his promotion ceremony in person?"

Hide felt the air leave his lungs.

"How would you like to come home?"

 

* * *

 

Hide wasn't sure sure what he'd been expecting to feel when he finally saw Sasaki Haise. But the pride Hide felt when he watched a man he'd never met walk across stage to receive his promotion had taken him by surprise.

The pride, and the awe. The awe at the way Hide could see, even under the bulky formal uniform, the way Sasaki had grown from the timid, skinny teenager Hide used to know.

After the ceremony, Hide hovered by the refreshments -- a place he knew Sasaki would never approach -- and watched, unable to look away now that he could finally see him, in person.

And maybe, it was bittersweet to see him this way, Hide thought. To see who his best friend could have grown into. To see all the ways this new man was still just the same, and all the ways he was so incredibly different.

He watched Akira approach, and smiled along with her as she congratulated her subordinate. And then he watched as Sasaki held out his arms, and Hide felt the gesture pierce through his chest. Kaneki had never been so open with his desire for affection, would never have made such a brazen request.

And then Akira stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, and Hide clenched his fist at his side, fingernails digging deep into his palm, and fought back the burning in his eyes.

"Your friend has accomplished a great deal," a voice spoke beside him. "First Class in only two years."

"I told you he'd do well," Hide replied with a forced smile, blinking away his tears and finally tearing his eyes from Sasaki to face his father. "But he's not my friend."

Yoshitoki nodded, and Hide was grateful that he kept any thoughts to himself. They watched the Quinx in silence, until Hide couldn't stand it anymore, and turned away.

"Did you have something you wanted to say to me?" Hide asked, glancing over the refreshments to keep his eyes busy, to keep them away from  _him._  


"Do you want to meet him?" his father asked gently.

Hide relaxed. He knew that was coming, and hearing it out loud was actually a relief. 

He mulled the question over silently. Years ago, he would have leaped at the offer. He'd imagined it countless times, all the ways their first meeting could go, and all the ways they could rebuild their friendship.

Hide turned back to Sasaki, who was currently being loudly accosted by his smallest subordinate and looking positively ecstatic about it. 

"No," he answered finally, and meant it.

Sasaki wasn't okay. Hide could tell without speaking to him, could see it in the faint bags under his eyes -- he wasn't sleeping. Or in the sadness that crept into his expression when he thought no one was watching him -- he was lonely. Or in the way he kept his hands stiff at his sides to avoid fidgeting -- a nervous habit from childhood. 

Sasaki wasn't okay. But he was getting there. The smiles he gave his subordinates were genuine. His affection was written across his face every time he looked at them. And it was clear they cared about him just as much -- even the sullen looking one who kept to the edge of the group. He had built a place for himself, had found people who loved him, had brought together this strange group of troubled kids and made them into a family.

Sasaki was trying to be okay, and he was getting there. Despite his past mistakes. And without carrying the the weight of a doomed relationship on his back.

Maybe it was time for Hide to do the same.


End file.
